Lament

You've circled this tower once before,
and I let down my hair,
among the books and ambiance,
you saved me.
But again I'm in this tower,
and though I've seen you circle,
there is no rescuing me tonight.
My knight you save me once
but no shining armor can reach me now
but the spell you cast was heavy
and this heart of mine is haunted
by the memory of your embrace
the soft chills from when you caressed my skin
trickle down my back still today
but please Sir Knight
I'm afraid there is no saving me this time.
so please don't taunt me
with those eyes that cannot be forgotten
though I long to see you circle this tower
it is just too tall
and I am just too afraid to fall.
Although I will despair
eventually i will fade away
I will become a distant thought
You will find a new tower
With a new princess
who longs to be saved by you.
And I'll cling to this ghost of you Sir Knight,
As I dwell in my tower
Circled no more.

Broken mechanisms

Sometimes I wonder whether or not I am even capable of falling in love. Once or twice I have been compared to an 'emotionless robot'. I don't know what it is really, I just don't really fall in love. That's not to say that I don't care about people, because it's been argumented that I care too much. I often go out of my way to help people just because I enjoy helping people and making my friends and those I care about happy.

But I'm very careful in relationships. Maybe I've never allowed myself to admit I was in love or maybe I just never let myself fall in love, but one way or the other, I've never really felt something was concrete enough to give it the all important title of being 'in love'.

I have to say, that I am a little envious of people who are. It would be wonderful if just once I could at least know what I have been missing for so long. Can't help but wonder if I'll be alone forever or if the mechanism that allows me to love is just broken.

In general I am just wary of all things involving relationships and me. Although I have the upmost confidence in being able to handle anything that comes my way involving heartache and the such, I just don't like the idea of being used as I have been in my situations before. It's nice when you know someone likes you, but it's even nicer when you know what's expected of you. Which is where I always seem to become uncertain.

Once I realize I like someone, I don't really know how to act around them. I start second guessing a lot of what I do. I get nervous, ugh, and although it's a nice feeling, that flitter of the heart and that excited feeling, it's also un-nerving knowing that someone can do that to me, because I spent the longest time convincing myself that I didn't need anyone. So when someone comes around and can make me doubt that? It can be frustrating. Whats worse is when I finally let my guard down and get disregarded, which has happened quite often. Stupid little boys who don't know what they want from me.

But that's all in the past I suppose. What it really comes down to is how to deal with things as they come now. I don't expect people to be 100 percent honest as they should be, and mabye I'm still intimidating in someway, all I know is, that I'm trying. Trying to handle each new experience as it comes, but I think I'll always still kind of be afraid. It's not often that I share a mutual interest in someone, and it's quite nice when I can.

Just something I've been thinking about the past few days.

Get Gone and Let Live

Sometimes life hands you lemons.

There are plenty of options at this point. You've just been handed lemons! What are you going to do? Are you going to smash them and squeeze juice on your wounds? Are you going to make lemonade or lemon meringue pie? Or are you going to toss them out to sea? (Lemons float, so don't worry they won't drown.)

It's in this moment when you have to really contemplate your next actions. From this moment on everything I do will affect everything after this.

Part of you might want to reflect on the more anger and violent filled urges. But in all honesty, no matter how offended or hurt I might have been, that is just not how I can react.

What has happened has happened.
The damage is done.
All that's left is repairing the bridge and moving on with life.

Shit happens, mistakes can and will be made. No one can be perfect a hundred percent of the time. Carrying anger over longer than necessary only makes oneself look foolish.

Yes, the damage is done.
Yes, it hurts still.

But what was needed to be said was heard, and what is understood, is understood.
So get on and let live.

Get on, and let live.

this side of me

I like seeing other people happy, it makes me happy too!

I also like being happy, so don't let my sudden 'understanding' of my situation deter you. Some things make me sad, and there are somethings that can't be helped, but overall, it comes down to whether or not I want to feel like crap for a long period of time.

Answer is, I don't. Being unhappy is not fun! It took years but I finally learned the important thing about life, and that's to not let the worries and troubles weigh you down. That hollow, empty, aching inside is a terrible, terrible feeling. So weak and feeble after the damage that life deals, it's often hard to overcome and conquer.

But, simply, I don't like that feeling, so I change my perspective.

Sure there will always be those instances where there are things I have no control over and yet still get a little uneasy over. Jealousy, longing, deviousness..mwhahaha.

Believe it or not I am almost always completely aware of my surroundings, I would just rather NOT be aware of certain things. It's like rubbing my face in the obvious. Give me a bit more credit eh?

"I tried so hard not to notice, I tried so hard not to care.."

One of these days, one of these days! Maybe people will learn to say what they want and what they mean? Maybe..maybe I'm the only one?

See you Space Cowboy...

curiouser and curiouser

Wander on through here, give me something to believe in. I see the rain has stopped and the burden is lifted, and it's time to walk out and face that sun. So brightly it shines at me, but I say, "Now, now there sun, I know you're happy to come out, but something has to be said for those raindrops." The sun responds with warmth and light. He'll never understand, but it's ok. The rain gets me, and although it can weigh me down with unecessary thoughts and feelings, I can forgive it, because we all need a good wash now and then.

When the rain is done, the sun comes out and dries us up, so we have a reason to soak. And the cycle will go through and through, till all that is left is dust and bones.

But that's ok, isn't it? I won't go out looking for that rainstorm, or else I'll never find it. As thirsty as I am, the rain will find me when it needs me.

**************************************************************

Just like love, it will find me when it's ready. When I'm ready. So I'll keep my eyes closed and avoid my surroundings, because it's not my business to find things, it's my business to be found.

Though, really, the lion is a silly animal. Can't help but pat it's head and sigh. Rip the flesh and lick the wounds! It's a vicious attack with such gentle teeth.

Command me, lead me, do with me as you will my Captain. Because all I need is that proven force of will and strength, that stalwart stance and admirable gaze. Let me admire and respect you, and be worthy of the same.

Shh...that's the secret! That's the secret to it all. It's so simple really, and it all makes wonderful sense! I won't explain it though, it's not my job to spoil it. Solve the riddle of your circumstance and be stronger in the end. Life is one big mystery.

*******************************************************************

This must sound like pish posh but it all makes sense to me.

I'm back to myself, so I apologize in advance! A new, improved, version of myself, equipped to handle anything. I know what I want, and I'm ready for anything. Have at you World!

I have the key

Life

Hmm, life has been...well...insane these past few days.

I won't go into to much detail, and I'll be as indirect as possible by quoting it in small intervals:

1. Something ended.
2. Homeless heart.
3. Questionable intentions.
4. Clean and Cry.
5. Live and learn.

Today, I am, who I am, today. No one and nothing can change that. The decisions I have made, have been made by me. No one and nothing can be blamed for that. Life is lived, as it should be done.

And in the end, I'll move on, because I am, who I am today. Tomorrow, I'll be who I am still. And if I have learned anything in this crazy journey of life, it's to take it in stride. One long day at a time.

Things will sort themselves out. People will do as they please. I will still remain as me.

Thank you David Bowie's Junk, for reminding me that life is one fantastic catastrophie.

H.A.O.S Year 2

Happy Birthday Hunter!

Wow, 2 years old already! You excited for your little sister Stevie? We sure are, she's coming soon! It's crazy how time goes by, and this past year you got a couple new friends up there with you. I'm sure you'll take care of them like you have been taking care of us lately. It's been a hard year with everything thats gone on, but you've done a fine job at making sure we're ok in the end.

I know you love us and we love you. Lucky little Stevie gets you as a Guardian Angel, and I know you will take great care of her, she is your sister after all! And we'll do our best at this end.

I love you Hunter, and I miss you every day. Someday I'll come and visit you up in the sky, but my work down here isn't finished yet. Until then, I'll do my best to make you proud.

Love,
Auntie Bri

another nightmare

I was at some structure in seattle, it had 'been there for years'. Had a very japanese design and was actually the location for a cultural japanese festival. I was there enjoying it when helicopters came and destroyed the building. I was sitting there iwth a camera thinking, " I can't believe I'm here for this." Shortly thereafter I was being pursued by a man and a woman. I don't know what I did, but something I did made them hate me. They looked at me with such dangerously expressionless looks that I knew if they found me, they would kill me. So i ran and hid. Unrelated a gang attacked the building I was staying in looking for their members, it had something to do with me and I was partly their target and I remember pulling my mom down out of view of the window in case they started shooting, telling her to call the police over and over again. Eventually the police came up and found them, but I knew that man and woman were still out there.

I can't get their faces out of my head. So many faces, there are so many faces. Why do they keep trying to kill me? Why have I been dreaming about this stuff since I was 7 years old? Why can't they leave me alone? I'm tired of waking up feeling terrified and having to sit there and still have their faces in my head, I don't want this, please..make it stop.I see all of their faces, all of the faces who have killed me or have tried, I remember every time I was tortured or shot or stabbed, and i'm so tired of being killed when I go to sleep by people who hate me and I don't know why. I don't even know who they are, but I don't want them there, I don't want them. Someone please make it stop.

muse

In retrospect, I see I am just a muse.

I'm not real, I can't be. I exist of course, but on no realm of real existance. I appear on the outside, watching, always watching. I feel like I'm sitting in a park, and everyone I know walks around in their lives. When bad things happen, they sit on the bench with me and I listen, and I help.

They smile, they leave. But I remain.

This is no cry for help, and this is no outcry of annoyance. This just is. I've come to realize that I've inspired people to better lives, and it makes me wonder. Am I living for everyone else? I want everyone to be happy, but am I happy?

Его глаза размещают меня между твердым местом, и конфета думала.

I just can't forget. But I also can't seem to do anything about it. Silent Hill takes me back and I always remember: the smell of books. A dictionary couldn't show me the words.

The world shifted.
Мир переместился.

Я не могу забыть Вас. Как Вы забыли меня.

A Sinners Play

Set me in a cliche and watch this story unfold.
Of course it's going to be this way.
A fitting punishment for a sinner like me.
Drifting and shifting like the plates beneath our feet.
Some tragic play for the world to see.
My own hell is to stand on this stage.
The crowd laughs at my misfortunes.
When can I get my intermission?
Cue to the curtain, silky red savior splashing down at my feet.
Now is my time to exit stage right.
I am no actor to cater to a crowd of fools.
But this is my hell.
Cue the curtain and I'm back on stage.
Playing along with these shadows of souls.
What is real and what is fabrication?
When we are all on a stage.
Dante prepared this only for me.
My own circle of hell.
A stage where I put on all the masks I've worn.
All the lies I've told are the tragedies for the world to see.
It's only fitting for a sinner like me.

be/lie/ve

I'm waiting, though it's selfish.
I shouldn't expect anything, it wouldn't be fair.
But it's just how I am.
So many things to say,
but not enough words...
or courage.
What's the point, it's all just a dream anyway.
And dreams are nothing but fabrications of human desires or fears.
What am I waiting for?
And why can't I just keep going?
Why do I feel so slow and still.
I'm drowning in a sea that isn't real.
Choking on water that doesn't exist.
Gasping for air that is too pure for my lungs.
There is no reason.
And though I have no reason for it, I can't help this.
My heart is breaking and I don't know why.
I'm exhausted from trying to live up to my own expectations.
Am I breaking my own heart?
I feel so betrayed, as if I've been lying to myself for so long.
I'm naive to have so many dreams,
We both know they'll never come true.
So why is it so easy, and why does it hurt so much.
Tell me heart.
Tell me.

the fires eyes

the flame burns
but i cannot feel it without consequence.
i want to feel it,
so intense, this need paralyzes me in an instant.
i could succumb and perish,
be swallowed in a foreign flame,
and then exist only as ashes to the wind.
forever left to wander through the sky until i land in solace.
the fire is before me,
and though his eyes, like gravity, seem to pull me in,
i am left grounded and unscathed.
am i more courageous to stand still?
or a coward for not feeding the flame?
ashes, ashes lead a path to ruin,
but even in the aftermath of flame,
life can begin anew.
those eyes, the fires eyes and their gravity.
so catastrophicly captivating,
but are they tempting enough
for me to burn.

The City is Sweet Symphony

watching the street exhale
concrete breathes in the sweet symphony of foul play, fake love and lost dreams.
Here we are in this city, planning on a future unknown.
"I'll be more than I was, you'll see."

But we've seen what you've become.
Nothing better than you were.
Maybe a bit older, possibly a bit smarter, most likely lesser of both,
but definately more experienced.
We've been hurt, violated, loved, forgotten, loathed..
intimidated and intimidating, and everything in between.
It's what happens when we leave the safety
of our front doors.

When our feet meet that street
there is no turning back.
Step through the smoke,
look to the beautiful bars that barricade you in.
Here is the chance you wanted.

Become something better than we were.

It's your chance to create a harmony to the symphony of the city.

My Persona

Can you imagine meeting who you really are inside? That entity that's a part of you, existing in you, your persona, if you will.

I can't even describe why these games mean so much to me. Maybe it's because I can be anyone I want to be. you like a sweet and innocent naive girl and I can be that girl, a hard ass foul mouthed vicious girl, I can be her too. I have so many different faces, i've been so many different people over the years. Feeding people idea's of who they want me to be.

To put it simply I know exactly who I am. I'm a girl who understands Id. I know raw emotion, I know desire and hate and all the savage instincts people face. Yet, I can be calm and caring.

I know every flaw I have. Believe it or not but I can sort a man's weakness within a short diaglouge. I spend my whole life analyzing the people I surround myself with so I know them inside and out without them knowing.

I really can be vile and no one really knows what I'm capable of. No one really knows who I really am inside. I limit myself, I bring myself down to care about others and in the end suppress the carnal and ruthless desires i really have.

"you planned on this all along didn't you." Aw, the words I loved to hear, knowing that my game was realized and the prize was won. I really am wicked, but the world will never really know. I'm tame now, I have to be, because the beast is weak to the heart and though I'm not in love, i still can't bring myself to hurt someone, even though my desires want me to do other things.

My Persona wants me to fly, but I have to stay on the ground.

all we are, we are.

thoughts are poison.

My thoughts are poison. I have instances where I visualize the most terrible things...people dying, car crashes, horrible instances where people get hurt. I can’t help it, it’s like preparing me for the worse when I do.

But I can’t seem to stop.

I’d rather not see that but if it’s one thing life has taught me, its that you never know when the bad things are going to happen. You get no warning and no time to prepare.

Maybe its just restlessness from some problems I’ve had lately. Things I can’t necessarily do anything about, but just wait and see. I hate waiting. I hate anticipation and uncertainty. Life is time, and time is precious, so spending time waiting seems like I’m wasting something important.

Words only mean so much, it’s the action that shows sincerity. I hear a lot of words but I don’t see a lot of results, can you see why I’m so hesitant to believe?

I wonder what the other me’s are doing in those other dimensions. There is the one living in a condo overlooking New York as some journalist living a promiscuous lifestyle, happy and alone with no attachments to anything but her job and her bars. She drinks martini’s and is a social butterfly, but lacks the love that her life so desperately needs. Then there is the one out on the mountain running a wolf haven, doing everything she can to preserve them in the alaskan wilderness. She spends her time hiking and indulging in nature. Peaceful and introverted, yet somehow ok. There is the happy homemaker, staying at home with the pets while the husband is bringing home the bacon. The house is small, clean, and decorated with pictures and vases full of flowers. She has an herb garden in the back yard where she grows various herbs for her kitchen. A marvelous cook she is with her copper cookery and food network. Happy and complete.

there really are so many. I did have a lot of dreams growing up. I just assume that they exist somewhere, living various lifestyles that I don’t live now. I’m sure I could, but the choices I’ve made in life have led me here. And I’m content, but I can’t help but wonder what it would be like to live in their shoes, as I’m sure they’re wondering what it would be like to be the me living in a condo with a boyfriend spending all of their free time playing video games and being uber nerds.

I’m just in one of those mind slumps where I feel like I don’t have a lot of time, and that time I have is being wasted on games and working. I don’t like working, but I do it because I have to. It’s sad when it’s no longer a choice. There was a time where the woman didn’t work, it was uncalled for when she did, and god i wish that were true. I just want to stay home, take care of the house and not have to worry about bills and crap.

We just spend our whole lives working so we can afford to relax, but by the time we can relax we’ve run out of life to enjoy and that is evil. You don’t even get time to grieve, to celebrate, to live, without the monetary consequence. Though I’ve finally found a career path that suits me, it’s too early to enjoy benefits or anything like that.

I’m so impatient. I want to move foward so that I can enjoy the present, but that isn’t possible. Because you can’t even afford to stand still.

The enemy lies within.

There is something to say for those who take the safe road. The longing for adventure and danger is always present, but a simple gratitude exists in the knowledge that one had taken the more efficient and calm way. The common misconception is that such a road would be boorish and uneventful. Dull in comparison to a road of mystery and uncertainty. But isn't safe good? Isn't wanting something you can trust and depend on a valiant need? The idea of an adventurous affair into the wilds of what the world has to offer is a romantic idea. The never knowing sensation of living day after day at the mercy of nature and chance can intoxicate one, and poison them still with expectations of grandeur and chaos. One cannot expect that jumping into the arms of some ill fated tragedy will produce a happy ending, yet some feed upon this as if they were starved of nutrition.

Throwing away security at the chance of freedom, and then finding out later they were never imprisoned to begin with. That is the lesson in the end, that one is one's own real true enemy, it is constantly clouding their perceptions with tricks and illusions. We will tell ourselves one thing, and see something else, while all around us no one is the wiser. "Happiness is found over there, across that river with the jagged rocks and the tiny rope bridge, just unbind yourself from what you have and you can seek it." "Just taste the fruit from this tree, it may be forbidden, but you'll never know how wonderful it tastes until you try." Temptation calls to us in all forms. Nostalgia will trap one as easily as a siren to a sailor. The lovely old tune that creates visions of the memories that we ourselves have adjusted over time, only to drown us in the knowledge that all that was, is over, and all that is, remains.

Trouble exists in the phrase, "What if?" Looking back and trying to guess what one would have done is as dangerous as taunting a starving lioness with fresh meat. The lies that our previous choices would have led us to a better place is what can oftentimes destroy the present as it was. "What if" is inapplicable because it's not what matters. Time goes on and one can only live with what one has, not what one has lost.

When the adventure dies, and the chaos retreats, where will those who desired it so be? Will they discover that the world really is a big and scary place with more danger than adventure? There is only so far one can go into oblivion before the realize the consequences. When the exchange is met between security and danger, their chose will catch with them sooner or later. Can one really be certain of which road is the safest? Each road carries it's own lessons, things one cannot learn unless they have traveled both.

I travel the safe road, because I know where it leads. I know I can depend it to take me home when all is said and done, and if trouble ever finds me, I know it will lead me to safety. There are many times I could have chosen a more dangerous pathway, a more exciting way with twists, turns, and broken hearts, but I think that life in all it's glory, is only lived once, and I cannot think of a better way to use it, then being able to enjoy it on my nice safe journey. Maybe the road will end and I'll find two more, one just as safe and the other just as tempting, but when that time comes I'll choose again. For now I'm grateful that I have the sense to follow the straight road, and I believe this safe road, is the road less traveled by, and as Mr. Frost said, I believe it has made all the difference.

Parenting is rated M for Mature.

Let's blame Video Games for all the bad things in society, everyone is doing it anyway. I've heard them blamed for males being 'immature' and not marrying till their 30's, violence, and teenagers having sex. So let's go ahead and blame them for molestation to children, political scandels, terrorism and the common cold and other diseases. Now let's take a moment and look at the above, now if you agree that they are to blame for all those things, do me a favor and cut yourself all over, jump in the ocean, and then swim through a vat of freshly squeezed lemonade. The above statement is ludacris, I should know I wrote it. Men waiting till late 20's or later to get married? Since when is that a bad thing! It's a personal choice, that doesn't mean all men are "losers" as the guy explained that "live in their parents basements playing video games". As for violence? Comic books, television, movies and music have all been to blame for violence. Who's fault is it really? Human nature. We are violent by nature, unfortunately we take it to far, but getting rid of a medium won't make it better. Teenagers having sex? Video games are as much to blame as the color green. Try shows about teenagers having sex, or teenage role models, Jamie Lynn Spears anyone? There are so many other things that you can blame, but to blame video games is ignorant and naive.

Society needs a scapegoat, prime suspect? Video games. Why? Because they're popular. Don't want your kids exposed to M rated games, then pay attention to what they buy or what you give them money for. You can't blame kids for playing games that YOU are supposed to be monitoring.

And it's not like video games are the only source of violence and pornography. You can find violence in the news, movies, and hell in school when your kid is getting his face flushed down the toilet because all you let him do is play games like Dora the Explorer. Pornography can be found in well... PORN you idiots! You're worried about like 45 seconds of a sex scene in a video game, but porn is not a threat? You stupid pathetic insults to humanity.

Now I played violent games, and you know what? I don't kill people, I don't steal things, I don't torture human beings, or beat them. I don't sexually assault people, and I'm actually a good, responsible young adult. Know why? Because I had good involved parents that respected my ability to decide for myself and taught me what was right and what was wrong. I never had to rebel because they understood what I enjoyed, and at the same time I respected them by being a child they could be proud of. It comes down to the parents in the end.

Parenting isn't supposed to be easy, that's why it's not rated E for Everyone.

It's rated M for Mature, so get used to it and quit attacking video games.

H.A.O.S Year 1

Happy Birthday Hunter!

Today you would have been one! I would have bought you a gameboy micro, just to get started on the gaming process. Sure Jess would have known but, at least I would have planted the seed!

Keep taking care of us, I know it's a big responsibility since our family is so crazy, but I have faith in you.

Miss you lots and love you much,

Auntie Bri

when the rain hits my window

indifference is key.

lack the emotions for control.

it's easier than you think, less trouble in the end.

Though complications can arise, have a backup plan, honesty is always a good saftey.

Give me a reason!

Ugh.. I hate it when I'm right!

Was just looking through past writings in my lil journal. I should listen to that intuition of mine instead of holding on to hope that eventually things will work up to my expectations.

They never do.

So what is this mechanism that controls this faith. Faith in humanity. Faith in the capabilities of the human heart. Where did it come from? In what instances of my life could I possibly have to adhere to such childish beliefs of love and all things related.

Nothing but disappointments. My track record consists of failures, to be brutally honest. If you're offended then get over it, truth is, it didn't work out. So, we evaluate to find out why. Reasons discovered, move on!

But now...now comes the tricky part where I haven't been IN a relationship. And so now I'm all confused. "He smiled at me! Wait..does that mean he likes me? Oh shit..what do I do now?" or better yet..this one, this one is great, "He said he likes me! And I like him! What now? I guess I'll wait till something happens."

The great thing is I can say I don't care and you could possibly believe me. But I'm just getting a little tired of the run around.

Be honest with me.
Be direct.
Don't waste my time.

The best part is I'VE BEEN SAYING THIS. And no one takes me seriously.

Stupid boys.

I am capable of liking people, crushes, being interested. And I am, I actually have "crushes" at the moment. They're lovely. The problem is I'm not acting on them anymore. I'm tired of making moves and then being lead on to believe that we were at an understanding and then finding out we weren't.

If you have a problem with this, give me a reason to work at trying to woo you.

Yes I said "woo" don't you wish you were awesome like me?

Point of the matter is I'm done, caput, finished. I will not go out of my way to impress unless I'm told otherwise.

If you were to say, "Bri, I'd like it if you tried to impress me, because you roxxorz and I think we should kissy kissy and be happy." Then, if you're one of the few (the proud) I would say, " /blush okies!" And then wildly impress you with my crazy antics...oh wait! I do that on a daily basis. I guess I'd just dress pretty, look nice or something.

I dno, I just don't understand people. I don't understand how they lie all the time to hide their feelings or intents. Just be fucking honest with me, get straight to the fucking point, no need in dicking around.

I'm totally lying too. I'm such a girl, I like the thrill of the chase just as much as the next person. I like notes and flowers, not so much chocolates. I like cuddling and holding hands. Disgusting I know!

But most of all, I just like knowing that it's ok for me to love, and that i'm loved in return. And in the end that's all I really want. I can sit there and talk big and tough about relationships and how misanthropic I am, but it just doesn't change the fact that I'm lying a little bit. I like being in love, I don't really like being single, because I feel like I dont' know what to do. Not in the sense that I can't live without the opposite sex, but moreso the how do I act around them? and how do I know if I may be leading someone on, or how do I know if i'm liked or not.

And I really just hate not knowing, I think that's what it is. I hate wondering and being clueless, I'd rather just know, so I know it's ok to do certain things or feel certain things and for so long I just haven't known, or the things I felt were not okay and led to disappointment.

/heavy sigh

How am I not myself?

The sky has opened up and I'm a granted a moment where I am not consumed with the worries and the laments of the push and shove of the day to day life. Today I was at a low. My Microsoft paycheck is being delayed another weak, I have no job, I have no boyfriend, I have no life. My days are spent finding things I can sell so I can fill up my gas tank and have fun with friends, while searching for jobs that I may or may not qualify for, just so I don't feel like a pathetic loser with no future and no hope.

It was overwhelming, I went up the street to get cash from one of those "Cash Advance" places but they can't help me since I don't have a steady paycheck, and then, I was about to go one street over to the gas station, when I ran out of gas! It was incredible, I'm sitting there in my car, the gas station right there, and I wanted to cry. I just wanted to let loose and let it all out. So much pressure just built up and I wanted to let it go.

But I didn't. I called my dad and he came and rescued me. I went home, totally down, nothing at all seemed to uplift me. I turned on the tv, and there it was. I <3>compelled to watch it again. Now if you've never seen this movie, you should. It's all about understanding the fabric of the universe and why we are who we are, why we go through what we do, and the debate on whether everything is connected or if everything is meaningless.

So everything is good in life, you're at the top, you have what you need, no complaints, and then, suddenly you lose everything, in a single moment. You feel lost, deserted, as if nothing could get worse, but then it does! And it's in that moment where you feel so lost, so vulnerable, that things can either go two ways. You can either further perpetuate yourself in a downward spiral till you feel nothing, or suddenly you have the realization that it could be worse. So you cheer up, because it could be worse!

The amazing thing is that you will always come back to this. In this moment where everything makes sense and everything is all right despite the negativity of it all, you're still here, your still alive. There is still hope! It's never-ending. You will have days or months, or years where everything is fine but then you'll have a moment where everything falls apart, and you feel desolate and melancholy. It happens, it does, and we've all been there, we've all felt it. At times it's annoying and strenuous to get others out of it, but really, we need to help.

We need to remind them that life will get better, it has to! It does, because it always will! And the sooner we all realize this, or maybe you have, the sooner it's easier to feel better when you're down in the dumps.

Yes! I have no job, no money, no boyfriend, no plans, no future, BUT I will. It's inevitable! Just as human suffering is, so is happiness. It's all inevitable, and it's all likely to happen! It's not a connected, but it's not meaningless. I'm brought into peoples lives for a reason, not always what we want, but I'm there for a reason. Often times I've noticed it's to be a morale booster, get them excited about living or something. I ignite something in them to make them want to be something better. Well...yay! I've done some good. Same with certain people that have entered into my life.

Come on! Get EXCITED! I recently learned the meaning of the universe, I can't remember it now, but it was incredible! Something about how the universe is ever changing, the life is ever changing, therefore there is no meaning, because you can't define something that consistently changes...or can you? Life is just metamorphic, constantly changing to fit the situation.

Wow, I feel a whole lot better.

So what if the boys I like don't like me! There are more MEN out there right? So what if I don't have a job! Tomorrow I"ll apply for 10 more! So what if I'm broke! I can still have fun with myself (take that as you want)!

Life is meaningless! Life is continual, it's ever changing, and we can make it as we want. YOU have control of YOUR life. GET EXCITED! If you don't like it, CHANGE IT! It's possible, and if you can't change your circumstance, change your perspective, that's something I've learned from my last job. It's all about how you see the situation, not about the situation itself.

I'm ready to drink :D

Idle in my sea and I'll kill you.

I oughta take lessons from Zephyr. Hold no expectations and you're more likely to not be let down. I wish I could, I really do. But, I think highly of myself to know that by now I deserve something better. I deserve something more. People will tell me I'm this fantastic, wonderful person, and I'm not going to disagree with them, I know it's true. It's just so hard to believe it when I have no one to show for it.

Granted I could, if I really wanted someone, I could grab any number of random people and I'm sure they'd be all for it. But it's rare that I meet someone that I actually like. Like well enough to want to spend more time with them, like them enough to feel things for them.

It's not just anybody it's them. People that I hold in the highest regards simply because they aren't like anybody else. They are THEM and we mesh well. But, alas, it never ends well. Maybe I'm too impatient, maybe i'm too weird, maybe it's just not what they want or need in their lives, maybe it's just bad timing, but there is always a reason.

It's been a year since I've dated anyone. People don't court anymore either so it's not like you can even tell if they are interested. Things are so simple that they are complicated these days. And it drives me nuts.

I mean really, if I like you, I tell you. Those of you who know me, know this, i make it pretty damn apparent. Now, some of you do the same,but then there are those few who, just wade in my sea. You just dilly dally there, splash a bit, cause some ripples in my tide, and then idle around, to the point where i don't even know if you are there anymore. So I raise the water levels to see if you drown, to see if your there, and you are so I cool down. But eventually I'm tired of waiting for you to get out, so I drown you completely, kill you off metaphorically.

Then I'm haunted by those, "oh snap! what if I killed them too soon?" and shit like that.

I wish I were emotionless so i could focus on OTHER things. But I can't because I know I deserve something. And it's hard to not to think about it when just about everyone you know is in a relationship. it's like a slap in the face.

Moonlight, Haircut, Ice Skating, Aligator, Sleep Aid

Tonight I drove over the passes from Wenatchee to Tacoma, and I was smiling the whole way. Nothing good in particular happened, but let me tell you, driving on an empty road with good tunes and full moon is an amazing thing. I was just, in love. I didn't need my high beams, the moon lit the entire road. Reminded me of the song Donovan by Stabilo.

It was amazing and I suggest doing something like that someday.

Anyhoodly hoo, my hair is cut. Despite one bad review, everyone else seems to like it, or at least they're keeping their fucking mouths shut. It's been kind of a tough week for me emotionally, I had to sit and listen to my mom and step brother get in an emotional conversation about the day Hunter was born and the day he died and the people responsible. It's still hard to deal with it, I dont' care what you say. But it's worse to hear everyone else talk about it, I'm doing my best to move on, but I can't when no one else can let go. I don't really want to let it go, but I don't want memories, I want the real thing.

But I know, that I can't have it. Hunter is dead and I'll just have to wait to play with him.

Oi, in other news, I'm still waiting to get called into work! Hopefully it happens soon, I would like to be busy making money doing something I love. I would ESPECIALLY like money for my mountain dew and taco bell.

and HOLY HELL i had the STRANGEST dream last night. I dreamt I was at an ice skating rink and Michelle Kwan was teaching me how to skate, then somehow I bumped into Tila Tequila and taught her what I had learned and then partied with her (danced, karaoke, fun) , then Luke Wilson shows up and he and I stepped outside and found Tila's pet Alligator which was mysteriously dead. Tila came out, saw and became infuriated and blamed us. Luke calmed her down by telling her he skinned it and made her curtains. She was ecstatic.

I then woke up.

Sleep aid before bedtime makes me dream of movie stars.

And so it begins

I take the bricks and begin to build.
This wall of mine will be fantastic.
Built with everything needed to make it sturdy,
Make it strong.
My wall will never fall again.
It'll become my citadel,
A place of safety,
Comfort,
A place of reverie.
No shattered pieces here sir,
Nothing to be fixed,
Because nothing will be broken.
My wall will be impenetrable,
And there will be no key.
Only me and my bricks,
Bricks made of apathy,
The mortar made of despondence,
Coated very carefully with fear.
No one will break my wall,
And no one will be let in.
The solitude will come so easily,
I'll wrap myself up in me,
And the world outside my wall,
Will cease to be important.

ouch

it just builds up, and in a moment, the dam bursts.

Momentary comfort while embracing numbness.

Tomorrow I'll do what I did today

and come nightfall, I'll lay in bed and wait for the artifical sleepiness

And i'll focus on something else

only to be brought back the build up

and the explosion.

At this rate, it'll be hard to rebuild the dam.

I need a stronger defense for things like this.

I should have known better.

Next time I'll be prepared,

Tomorrow now Today

So yesterday is another day I'd like to forget,
Because it was another day I lived without you,
Tomorrow is a day that I hope not to regret,
Though it will be another day I lived without you.
I only want today to be tomorrow
If you're there for me to hold
Tell me is tomorrow now today?
Is tomorrow now today?
This year is now over, and a new one is to begin,
But it is not my year if you aren't here with me.
And months will come and go, and the Days drag out and in
But they are days I will push away if you aren't here with me.
I only want today to be tomorrow
If you're there for me to hold
Tell me is tomorrow now today?
Is tomorrow now today?
Is tomorrow now today
Is there room enough in your heart for me?
These minutes are unbearable, Time is just to rough
If I can't share these moments with you.
The Seconds go by so quickly and Hours are so tough
If I can't have these moments with you.
Can today be tomorrow
Can you be there for me to hold
Tell me is tomorrow now today?
Please, can tomorrow be today?

Drink Me

One time, I read a book. Well in all reality I read books all the time, I enjoy them. But, by golly, one of them stood out over all the others I've read this year. (Mr. God This is Anna and Enders Game not included.)

Alice in Wonderland. I've decided, if I ever give out a fake name it will either be Nelli, or Alice. I love Alice, I love her as a character. The poor girl stumbles into this wacky world and all the while explores it and questions it while questioning whether or not she is who she is. Isn't that a lot like life? We stumble into this place that we really don't know anything about and we travel around in search of figuring out who we are. She's so fearless, she eats and drinks of substances without worrying about the consequences until they are in effect. Some call it careless, I call it living.

The constant state of insanity and her logic behind making it all make sense, that's what life is about! It's not supposed to be fully understood, if we all comprehended life, what would be left of us? Where would everything go? Literature, Art, Science, don't we pursue these things to better understand our world?

Ever since I was a little girl, I never believed in growing up to fast. Kristin and I would roam the playground with immature ideals and games and we were damn proud, while other girls in our class liked to pretend they were teachers and would try to act like adults. No! Don't, don't I say! Be PROUD of being silly, be PROUD of acting immature sometimes! Be PROUD to ask questions, wonder and use your imagination, there is nothing wrong with it! I've seen so many children scolded for their imaginations and silly questions. Don't take that away from them, as kids everything to us is magical. It's a giant world that we don't understand but we don't care, it's a big place with so much possibility.

When I was a little girl I used to believe that if I got high enough into the sky I could catch a star and put it in a jar. As I got older I learned that I really couldn't, stars are huge masses of burning gasses that would destroy my frail human body. It broke my heart, I still feel an emptiness where the hope used to be. I know I can't prevent my kids from feeling that someday, but I won't be the one to kill that.

Life isn't something you throw away. It isn't something to just hand over to responsibility all the time. Yes there are moments when you need to buckle down, get a job, and pay attention to the needs of surviving, but does that mean you have to give up on your childhood magic? No. I refuse to believe that.

My 4 cents for this evening. Adieu.

Change

Looking back over 2006, quite a bit has taken place. I ended my first long term relationship, almost 3 years or so. By ending the relationship I now see that I was right to do so. Not because Marcus was a terrible person, on the contrary, Marcus is an amazing human being that everyone should get to know. But, in that decision, him and I, from what I can tell, we've learned some really important things. Since then, Marcus has become quite successful in his career path and has made a good start for himself and I am very very proud of him.

After the separation I started to think about what I wanted. I decided that I'll visit CA and see what's out there, maybe find something worth exploring, or maybe just have fun and live a little, but that was on the backburner till my nephew was born.

My nephew was born on June18th, but unfortunately was laid to rest soon after. If you dont' know the story and would like to, you can ask, but otherwise I'm not writing it out. Needless to say...that changed me quite a bit.

Come August I moved to California, I got a job right away, worked, made lots of friends and lots of memories, but in the end I missed my family and decided to come home for christmas and the rest of my life.

So, now it's December and I'm in Wenatchee. On the way here my sister and I had a nice conversation. I explained to her that I had changed since high school, I wasn't the same angry, emotional, selfish person anymore but I still had that raw "bri" spirit inside of me. And what she told me totally wow'd me. Know what she said? She said that EVERYONE noticed it. Everyone noticed that I changed, and the best part of it is, they know I changed for the better. I'm still the same goofy little witty girl, but I'm better, I'm happier and it took a long time for me to realize that.

I'm happy with who I am today. I've made choices, good and bad, and I've decided to learn from them. Some of you ask me why I'm so me, I guess, and this is why:

Because I learned from every choice I made.

It's as easy as thinking before you do something. When Hunter died I knew that I myself, was not very happy with God, but I also knew that my family didn't need to hear that, so I comforted them, and I assured them that everything was going to be allright.

Throughout my life I have seen a lot of people I love get hurt, suffer, and experience things that I know for a fact a lot you will never fully understand or go through. Does that mean you don't deserve understanding and compassion? No, I'll always be here for you to remind you that everything will be ok, know why? Because even though my family has gone through the incredible things they have, they still get up every morning, they still smile, and they still live. And if they can do it, then you can too.

I love my family. I have an amazing family and those of you who have met them know how great they are. I wouldn't be here, I wouldn't be me without them, I love them so dearly.

So, now it's Christmas time and I'm home, and let me tell you, I could not be happier. Not because of presents, not because I know I have a pink DS under the tree, but because I know when I wake up I will be with my Mom, my sisters, my brother in law and my dad, and I'll be able to hug them and wish them a Merry Christmas. I could have nothing this year, and be satisfied with that.

December Epiphany

And so this chapter of my life I close,
Nearing the end of the year and the end of a journey.
The lessons I have learned
The feelings I have felt
The people I have met,
All these things justify the years course.
It's in parting we find truths,
It is in the 'goodbyes' we find clarity.
There are moments I will always cherish,
Embraces I will never forget,
Words that will forever linger,
And life that I will never regret.
Tomorrow will come and I will begin again
Down a road paved with hope and determination.
And I won't look back towards memories fair
Because I know I am not sad in leaving
Only happy to have left
With such great joy
In the meetings and the feelings,
In all I had there.

A look into the sad story..

I'll be honest, I'm still struggling with my nephews death. It happened in July but I can't help but wonder why. Why he was denied life and why were denied him.

At first I was furious with God. I believe in God, in fact the moment we got to the hospital I spent hours in the little church room praying and praying, but to no avail. With everything that has happened over the years I've lost faith in him, He and I are on bad terms and until I can discover some form of justification for the events in my life, I won't be able to look at him the same. So when Hunter died I was angry, bitter and cold. But I know my mom and sister didn't need that, so I assured them it wasn't his fault. But deep down inside I was saying, "God..you and I need to have words."

Now, in my favorite book, Mister God This is Anna, Anna, one of the main characters, dies. She was only 8 years old. But even though she was so young she accomplished so much and that made her life full. But, a certain point of the book stood out to me:

"I wanted to hate God, wanted him out of my system, but he wouldn't go. I found God more real, more strangely real than ever before. Hate wouldn't come, but I despised him. God was an idiot, a cretin, a moron. He could have saved Anna, but he didn't; he just let this most stupid of all things happen. This child, this beautiful child, had been cut off-cut off and not yet eight. Just when she was----Hell!" -Excerpt, page 293

I reread this book again, for the 8th time or so, last night. And I lost it when I read that, I cried and cried, because I felt that. I still even feel it. But, at the same time, I don't hate God, this wasn't his fault. Though it's possible I may never understand why Hunter didn't live, or why things like this happen to good people like my sister and her husband, and why shitty parents who don't care about their children get to keep theirs, it isn't logical for me to hate the higher power.

But what I would like is justification, a reason why my sister carried him so long and we all grew to love him before he was even born, and then to watch him fade away. It doesn't seem right, and I can't even hate the woman directly responsible for his death. I am incapable of hate, eight years ago I would have fumed until my face was permanently red. But as time goes by, things like that have happened have only proven to me that hate is unnecessary. Sure I could hate the people who wrong me and my family, but what will that accomplish?

Nothing. I can never really justify that emotion. No, what I can do is pity their existence or their lack of understanding, and stand tall and proud knowing that I'm better than them instead. I know that sounds incredibly snobbish and elitist, but it's a much better feeling than festering in hate.

Fester..
Fester...
Fester...

Rot...
Rot...
Rot...

So to the Night!

So to the night I say,
"Bring quickly to me the day!
For I am tired and need the change,
Of what tomorrow may exchange,"
So the night says to me,
"Still child, you must be,
Others to await the sun,
You are not the only one."
"But Night you must see,
How dearly important this is to me,
Others wait just as I
But they don't seek the Lullaby"
Night replied so graciously,
"Dear child I do see,
But if I raise the sun too soon
Others will beg me for the Moon.

I do understand your plight,
And why you must take the flight.
But be still and wait your turn
Patience is what you must learn."
I bow to the Night and say,
"I understand and humbly pray
That you'll forgive me for my petulance,
I do forget my arrogance.

Farewell dear Night, I will away
To bed and pillows I will stay
And wait for sleep in me to fill
to keep me calm, here, and still."
"Tomorrow will come and go
Just as you will it so
And soon you will journey free
Into the place you long to be."
And the Night tucked me in
With starlight and a grin.
The sun will rise and bring the dawn,
And Night will soon be gone.

Idea

Oh this wonderful idea
this idea of you.

Sprinkling down in my head
Reminding me of great things
Feelings I haven't felt
In a very long time.

Ages ago,
I would have never thought
That an idea like this
Would change me.

I'm happier
I'm ready
Oh this wonderful idea
This idea of you
Is making everything
Worth the risk.

Silence speaks.

Like Debbie Gibson sang back in the day:

"Silence speaks a thousand words.

The problem with deciphering silence is that it could say many things indeed. A lot can be said in a thousand words.

So why do people use silence? Why can't people be honest and straightforward? You know, I can't really answer that, for I can also be silent out loud with thousands of words screaming in my head, or I can tell it how it is.

See the thing with me is, I do nothing unless I know it's allright for me to do something. I'm very big on respecting other people and their lives outside of me. But if you don't make it known to me what it is you want, or don't want from me, I'll never know and never apply it. So, if you are reading this, I encourage you to speak up!

Tell me what's on your mind, and even if you have nothing to tell me, don't leave me in the dark. If we're friends, treat me like one, if we're just acquaintances(Sp) let me know and I'll let it go.

Don't be afraid of hurting my feelings, I'm a big girl, I can handle it.

Just be honest, just be straightforward with me, that's all I ask of you, my friends.

So friends, I say this to you as a reminder, I'm always here for you, if you need someone to talk to

I Mean Nothing

I have no definition.
I'm currently undefined.
I wake up in the morning,
And I don't recognize,
The monster I see,
Staring at me from my mirror.
I only hear my concious screaming,
"What has become of the love you had for yourself?
My eyes are empty,
And all I can say in response...
Is turning my back
And letting the void get bigger.


All that fills it
Is the knowledge that I
Am an infidel in my own skin.
So roll over,
And fall asleep,
I'll mean nothing in the morning.
I'll mean nothing tomorrow.

I'll mean nothing in the morning,
And my reflection will remind me
When she looks at me with those
Sad
Empty
Eyes.

nightmares

make them stop.

please make them stop.

"The queen said you'd run. Come on Brianna, I'm disappointed."

I'm tired of running for my life everytime I fall asleep.

A conversation with myself (no one has ever read this)

"It just feels so wrong though, having to always just stop caring. I just want to know when I can care about someone and have it be ok."

Remember this.

And think about if you really respect yourself. Could you? You're ok with having a friendship involving sex and absolutely no comfort or anything. You are OK with this? Can you really be OK with this? Can you be ok with just being there from time to time, not having any security at all. You're ok with always being not good enough?

Come on Bri, you know you are in pain. You know this upsets you. You know it feels like your chest is being ripped open and emptied of all it's contents at your feet.

You need to stop looking (but I wasn't looking) for love and just let things happen (I DID let things happen..) Stop hoping that everyone likes you (He told me he did) ((He was drunk, and so were you)) (doesn't mean I don't remember anything) ((it's not going to make sense, you just have to LET IT GO)) ( I'm TIRED of letting it go! I'm TIRED of never being good enough, I'm TIRED with being ok with NOTHING. I am a damn good catch, and I will take care of them and I need to be TAKEN CARE OF.)

Stop. You're over-reacting. Jumping to conclusions. Think back real hard. Did you want more than what you had with Marcus? And didn't you just say you wanted the relationship without the relationship? What changed?

Meeting Danny's son. That changed me.

Why?

Because I want that. I want a family, and a house. I want what I've been wanting since I went to school, since I read that book.

What makes you think you are ready for it?

I'm not.

Then?

Then I'll just have to get myself ready for that. It's time to grow up.

I think you're going to be ok.

I think so too.

Now eat something, quit starving yourself.

What I want in life (old)

You know it's funny, every time I meet someone new, no matter what, I always ask the following questions:

"If you could be any flavor of pie, what would you be?" (I ask this question to normally break the ice, and I'm also curious as to how they would answer it.}

and more importantly,

"What do you want in life?" Now, I don't ask that question because I'm scouting out for future boyfriends or anything, I ask that question because I want to know. I'm very curious to what people's goals are, what they want to accomplish, if they want to accomplish anything at all. Because if you really listen, sometimes you learn things from that person you never thought possible. It's nice to give everyone a chance to say what they want, because maybe they need to.

Everyone has a story, a series of events that lead up to their life today. I know that well, I've learned many stories of many different people, because I'm not afraid to ask. Another person's mistakes maybe someone elses lesson, so it's always beneficial to ask before judging them.

Say, for example, someone just really bothers you. The way they carry themselves just upsets you. You think they're superficial, rude, or just a plan ol' attention whore. I've met those people, I've been annoyed by those people, but I still talk to them. I want to know why they act that way, and in the end? I make a new friend.

I don't know how I seem to people, but I have quite a few friends that I love and cherish and I know they cherish me. I won't lie, I too struggle with my self image trying to make sure everyone accepts me. But I've learned over the years that that shouldn't be as important as accepting myself.

So today I was thinking to myself, I ask everyone all the time, "What do you want in life?" So today, I asked myself, "Bri, what do you want in life?" And boy...did I stump myself.

I, in fact, am still pondering that out, which is what this is all about.

What do I want in life? I know for a fact that I want a Family. (I capitalize the F to show importance.) I want to get married to a man. I want that man to be responsible, caring, funny, someone to love before and after children. Someone smart enough to know that life isn't a cakewalk, but devoted enough to making it all it can be. When that man and I get married, I want to be financially capable of raising children before we start. Bringing a child into the world when you can't give them the life they deserve is unacceptable to me.

When I have children I can't wait to sing to them, read to them, take them out on picnics, family vacations. They can start school and I'll make fun lunches, help them with their homework. As a family we'll have family dinners!

I sound like a sap, but that's what I want in that degree. Because, feminists I don't quite care for your views and I'm just going to come right out and say it, I am a woman and I belong in the home. I'll have a job if it's necessary to supporting the family, but if the husband says I can stay home and be the housewife, I will most certainly do it with no complaints.

What else do I want in life? Happiness. I try very hard to find something to be happy about everyday, and you know what? I can. I have amazing friends, a loving and supportive family, and wonderful talents that I'm still trying to use.

What are things I need to learn? Not jumping to conclusions, patience, mathematics...lots of things really. I know what I need to learn to do, and I know things I need to change, and that's a long process. But it's being done. Everyday is something new, something different.

I know I need to let go of somethings. And many things I have! But, everyone has their demons, everyone has their skeletons, it's just about deciding whether to keep them or toss them.

Life is life. Love is love. I live, I love. I want to live more, and I want to love someone. It takes time, patience, and humility. Time is changing and I must adapt.

So, having said all this, if you've read it all, I ask you:

"What do you want in life?"

I encourage you to write me back and let me know! I always love learning more about my friends and family. And who knows, maybe you're unsure and you need a chance to explain it to fully understand for yourself.

Sincerely,

Brianna Ogas

Fly

I feel elated, but my heart is heavy.
Acting as a weight, when i just want to fly.
Up and down, and all around my emotions are on a merry go round.
Do I stop or go, Oh i just don't know,
I am sitting on the edge of reason and I wanna jump down, down, down, down.

Here I go, I've lost control, just running round this wonderland staying on my toes.
Scared but sure, that this pleasant torture, is my reason to start climbing back up, up, up, up!
Torn between the two, Do I want to fly or fall down to the bottom where I roam alone.
I feel elated, but my heart is heavy. Acting as a weight when I just want to fly. Baby let me fly.

come clean

i miss the raindrops, i miss the sound
of my sins falling away, and my heart coming clean
shedding the skin of hollowed out hatred
shaking the loneliness out of my head
dripping away to the ground like filth
filth falling from a dirty state of mind
i miss standing there and being forgiven
the raindrops saved me, condemned me
i miss that feeling of clarity, that assurance
that everything, all of it, was going to be ok
that's what i felt when i stood
naked of my emotions, void of my thoughts
chin up, face first, towards the rain.
droplets falling, never knowing
which ones were raindrops, and which ones were tears
because i finally would get to feel free
free of the burdens, free of the cares
free of the stress, free of the pain
free of the love, free of the responsibility
in that moment it's just the rain and me.
and we're dancing together, celebrating
the moment where i can finally come clean.

Puedo escribir...

Puedo escribir los versos mas tristes esta noche. (Pablo Neruda)

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

Existence, only counts when you are acknowledged.

Silly humans! Without acknowledgment how will you know you exist?

Don't apologize if what you say isn't enough to impress the majority. Don't apologize for silly little things that you can't help. And please don't be upset when you aren't worth the acknowledgment.

Acknowledgment is the key word today. You know that thing where people say, "Hello!" or "Farewell!". Or if you say you're upset they offer comfort. But, silly human, if you can't say it, it won't be heard. Typing it is simply not enough.

The silence of the soul, is the unwillingness and cowardice to stand up for yourself.

Silly humans, you fail.

Cruelty.

The wanting and desire to help..

and not being able TO help..

is the one thing in life that breaks my spirit.

When I am left but with one option:

to pray..

I feel like a failure.

I shouldn't have to rely on a higher power! I should be able to save everyone! I shouldn't be restricted by mere human capabilities.

The world is cruel, and my heart is frail.

A Conversation Between the Brain and the Heart

We fight a war almost everyday,
Between logic and feelings.
Our brains tell us, "No you fool!"
Our hearts tell us, "You are thinking clearly."
Said the brain to the heart one day,
"Oh you are such a silly thing!
Dreaming of circumstances so far off,
Making big deals out of small things!

You twist simple word and phrases
Into meanings they are not.
And you are just to fragile,
To survive a whole lot!
When you are happy it's even worse!
You thump, and thump so happily
Making such a racket,
That I cannot think clearly.

And when you are broken and sad
I stumble where ever I go
Because you over dramatize everything
And use the whole body to show.
When misery engulfs you
You suddenly feel so heavy,
And try as I might,
I can never make you happy.

But when you feel joy
The whole body reacts with such vigor!
I'm left wondering,
Why you always end it, always and never..

Oh you heart, you are such a silly thing
You can never compromise
Between love, hate, joy and sadness,
You expect perfection on the first try!
With such high expectations,
I worry about you, friend!
You'll never make in anywhere,
Except, broken, in the end.

I think you should heed my words
And take them with delight
Leave the logic and understanding to me
Since you can never do it right.

In the end I think we'll both be satisfied,
If we help one another out,
You will have love and other things
And I won't feel so left out!"
Said the heart to the brain,
In a rather busy way,
"Oh you silly brain! you've done it again!
You've gotten in my way!

You and your logic!
Your stupid understanding
You make it so very hard
So VERY hard, to do anything!

If I waited forever like you
I'd never be able too decide
I'm busy down here you know?
I have to keep the body alive.

I don't have time to think clearly
I must always use my gut!
Intuition is a gift I have!
Anything else is inadequate!
All you do is ponder things
No wonder you felt inclined
To ponder how I do my job
And how I use my time.

Well let me tell you something,
It's hard the job I have to do!
Pumping all this blood in and out
And falling in love too!

I don't enjoy my range of emotions,
You're not the only one there
But someone has to do it!
And I've been placed here to care.

My sadness can be unbearable
And it interferes with my job
But with sadness like that
Anyone would be a slob.

And happiness is so much worse!
I work at thrice the pace!
I get so exhausted...
And sometimes, it's a waste.

But believe it or not
You need me you silly brain.
Because when I fall in love
You really seem to change.
So I know why you pester me
And I understand why
You want me to hurry up,
Hurry up and decide.
But love is no simple quest my dear,
A lot of things are involved.
Be it how I feel and how you see things
It's a problem we both need to solve.

So I agree, lets join together.
The both of us shall and will
Make the best decision we see fit
Always and still."
Said the brain to the heart once more,
"I believe you are on to something,
I apologize for rushing you
But I am rather lonely.
All day long I talk to myself
Trying to figure you out
Only to be stuck in a rut
And completely filled with doubt.
But you cleared some of this up for me!
And to that I thank you.
Now lets debate this current event
And see what we can do!"
Said the heart to the brain
One last time:
"I believe that you are right my friend!
a collaboration between you and I!
But we must be careful
For if we fail,
We'll both be miserable
And that will end our tale.
Love is beautiful
But love is hard.
We must both work together
To make it far.
So leave the feeling to me
And you just analyze
And I'm sure togehter that we
Will finally get it right."

Fate

Fate...is a funny thing.

Three years ago I would have taken much pride in hearing about his pain. I would have relished in it and enjoyed it. Cherished the moment as my dear sweet revenge. But in the past three years I have changed, and even more so, in the past two months.

I can't enjoy the fact that someone who hurt me is now in pain. I will not enjoy it. He suffers and I wish I could help. At one point of time he was my best friend, I just can't imagine feeling any hatred right now.

He told me he tried Russian Roulette for the third time in his life.

Makes you think of fate right? Three times he has been meant to live.
It's interesting how fate arranges it for you to meet people. I would like to think it was fate, the logical side makes me want something to prove it, the illogical side like think that's all something magical!

Fate is uncertain, we never really know what's meant to happen. I just know all the current events in my life have happened for a reason. Something big is going to happen for me, and even if it doens't happen for awhile, I'm still going to mentally prepare myself for it, be it good or bad.

If my life is all mapped out, I hope it leads to someplace nice.

A sonnet

I have no fear of love at all
It's something that I've learned to trust
No matter how many tears my fall
They won't deter me from my undying lust
Something in me can not forget
The joys that come so often in
Lust and love I do not regret
Even when I am left alone in sin
Inside myself I fight this war
Between love and hate of all I feel
We all know what this fight is for
We all know that this fight is real.

And though sometimes I wish not to stay
Love is an addiction anyway.

My heart the silly thing goes...

beat, beat, beat, beat!

I feel like I'm swinging but my feet haven't left the floor!

a r o u k i
o i r g s e
s n h h e s
g t t h

blind, but willing.

beat, beat, beat,beat!

The rhythm is enchanting, but frightening still.

I'm So Cautious And Rightfully Easily Doomed!

do you get the gist of me now?

I feel like poor little Alice right now, lost in the Wonderland in my head, where I sit and converse with myself to see if I'm still me or if I am now someone else.

Falling down the hole to wonderland, falling down, down, down. The Queen of Hearts has me trapped! I just need to believe...

What will you do Alice?..

I'm a pawn to the Cheshire Cat. He likes to play games with me.

Always Drifting...

If you can't see something, is it real? If it isn't tangible, is it worth pursuing? Can you trust what you can't see? And if so, with what eyes are you using? Is it worth the risk to fall in what could be grace? or could be nothing at all? Do you trust the anticipation, the bated breaths, the thoughts? Do you trust what you see?

I've seen many things, but now can I trust that? What right do my eyes have to show me truth or false? What if the facade they show me is the truth? How can I tell the difference? What aren't they showing me? What can't I see that I look so passionately for? When I stare off into the horizon be it morning or night, what do I strain my eyes so hard to see? Nothing is there, but something is.

What do you do when your head tells you one thing and your heart tells you something else? Who do you trust? And if you can't come to a compromise between the two, what do you do?

Questions, questions, questions. Always drifting, always drifting, always drifting. Her my heart sits in the wake of my thoughts always drifting, always drifting, always drifting off.

sweet catastrophe

Suffer me to cherish you my sweet catastrophe. You are indeed a beautiful maelstrom.
Write, and release.
Write, and release.
Free your muse of its tangled bonds, my sweet catastrophe. Get lost in the wonderland of words.
Write, and release.
Write, and release.
Let me learn all I can from you my sweet catastrophe. Your intricate web of thoughts intrigue me.
Write, and release.
Write, and release.
Flow like the river you've become my sweet catastrophe. Flood over me with the water of your soul.
Write, and release.
Write, and release.

house

house

I fall into myself, looking for that light of hope. Only to encounter everything of pain along the way. As I fight the lonely battle that rages on in the hallways of my mind, I wonder if anyone notices. If they catch that far off glance, and see the never ending struggle that enraptures this weary mind of mine. It's a battle only I can win. But still, echoes of words once said shatter the walls and barricades I have placed around me. Am I forever lost in this house of memories? Doomed the nightmares of voidance and insecurity? Or am I just stuck in solitary. Happiness is a choice, but today I have no muse. For some reason, I wallow in the pool of sorrow today.

I had to use the word hate, what is worse is that I meant it.

Happiness is a Choice

I had a dream that I was wanted. Not so much in a sense of love and such, more in the terms of bad guys wanted me for some evil scheme. For reasons unexplained in my dream, I held a very important purpose in the world. I was either the angel that would save the world, or the devil that would destroy it.

I had two people who never left my side and defended me on countless occasions; a man and a woman. I did nothing as they fought so hard to protect me. I felt worthless for I had no special ability or any fighting skills.

On the road to keeping me safe, we found of an older black woman whom the same people trying to kill me, were trying to kill her. She was wonderfully kind, but she accepted her fate. She told us she was going to die, no matter how hard we tried to help her. For some reason I felt the need to confide in this woman. I told her of how useless I felt and how I watched these people, that didn't even know me that well, fight vigorously knowing that their lives are at stake. And she told me that I just haven't found my strength yet, I haven't found that need to fight, and then she informed me, that the man that traveled with me, was the man I was destined to be with...then I woke up.

Oh! Only if it were just that simple. Just by asking I found who I was supposed to be with. But, alas, it is not. I could be content with being alone all my life. I can see it, and it isn't bleak. I could be happy either way, I know that if I found my someone I would sublimely happy, but I'm happy as I am right now.

Happiness is a choice. In fact, that is such a valid point that I will repeat it. Happiness is a choice. It really truly is. I choose to be happy right now, certain circumstances would deem me to not be very cheerful, but I am choosing to be happy. Why? Because I'm tired of being sad and upset. It's not fun being sad. I've been so attached to the idea that friends are the ones that should keep me happy. But that is not the case! Friends help, but what it comes down to is YOU. You are what you need to be comfortable enough with to be happy. I'm happy because I choose to be happy, because I let the good things outweigh the bad. Because, you know, I just don't know what happens after I die, but since I dont' know, I'll stick to what I know. I know life, and I know I like to be happy so I'm going to do that.

Someday I'll find someone to be happy with, but for now, it's just me. I love my friends but I now know that they aren't fully responsible for my happiness.

So I apologize to my friends for the pressure they had unbeknown to them.

But now I am happy, and even though the people that are most important to me are not so happy right now, I will try and be happy around them and maybe I'll become like a plague and they'll be sick with joy!

At least, that's what I hope. I hope to infect everyone around me, with happiness.

more old poetry

Destination

Slowly drips the candle wax
The existing proof of time
Filled with tall tales and hard facts
With reason and with rhyme

Gently does the fair breeze blow
Filled with scents of serenity
With fragrances only nature knows
To calm a world full of profanity

Gracefully the autumn leaves begin to fly
Drifting in their solace
Never stopping to ask why
As they fan towards the grounds sweet kiss

Sadly the world begins to decay
Into a void of desolation
No fragrance, breeze, or leaves to calm the days
As we reach our destination.

***

Average Man

How I pity the average man!
No imagination to provoke
No thoughts to ponder
No free will to evoke?

How I envy those who live simply!
Find the joy in everyday
Those who enjoy the sounds of life
Who free themselves of evil ways

How I curse those who mock us!
Us imaginative beings
Who are plagued themselves by thoughts
Thoughts of worldly views and things.

How I wish I was the average man!
Then I could sort those feelings
These words that haunt me everyday
That leave my will fighting.

***

Life

I can not recall
the last time i was fine
lately it seemed so dark
in my state of mind

But now things are ok
and there isn't any despair
things are looking up
the world is bad and I don't care!

In all my life
I have learned one thing
the only way to survive
is to live, laugh, and sing

So laugh away pain
sing yourself a song
live in the now
for that's where I belong

***

Happy

if i could save you from ever feeling pain,
i could say i lived enough to die happy

if i could prevent you ever feeling lonely,
i could give enough to be happy

if i could shelter you from a never ending cold,
i could feel full enough to be happy

if i could hold you when the world crowded you,
i could feel brave enough to be happy.

***

Swing

It's too cold outside,

But I need to fly.

I shouldn't even have to feel this way,

But the burdens are too heavy,

And the swing can't carry me far enough from the ground.

I need to fly,

Though the wind is cold and strong,

I can' be defeated twice in one night.

My heart aches ever so,

And feels too much to bear.

And the swing can't take me high enough.

I want to float in the air,

And throw out this pain I feel.

I wish it were easy, I wish I were strong enough,

To tell you that my unhappiness,

Can't swing anymore.

I can't swing anymore,

I can't sway between happiness and sorrow.

I can't swing anymore,

I can't stand not knowing how I will feel tomorrow.

Don't make me swing anymore,

Don't make me swing anymore.

Old Poetry

This is one I wrote in 8th grade:

Scrapbook of Memories

Many nights I stay awake,
Afraid of the dreams that you will take
Lost in a void of darkness so black,
Followed by memories that you can't take back.

I see you everyday on dusty photographs.
Remembering the pain and all the laughs,
I love the way you looked on that picture I took,
So happy even though you're life was an open book.

We both shared our pain on the writing of pages,
we both felt the same, like we were locked in cages.
How long will it take before that book I burn?
So I will never have to look at those pictures I yearn.

May my journal burn; be consumed by the flame.
So I can destroy the hurt and the blame.
I will spread the ashes into the dark night,
And pray to god that they never return to my sight.

Untitled

You never lost me
Somewhere within me exists the love I had for you
Only recently did it emerge
And now I have to say goodbye

I lost you
Somehow the fear controlled my every thought
And I gave up on the strength
No I have only memories to rely on

You're leaving now
To someplace you may never return from
That frightens me
I may lose you once again

I'm lost in you
All the emotions I experienced with you
They've resurfaced
And they are all I have left

I wish I could leave this
The hope of your return and our embrace
The pain is too real
And I can't live with it

Don't lose yourself
You are someone whom I will always love
Don't forget
That I will always be here

You never lost me
I have always been here and always will
Come back to me
And find me once again

Butterfly Will

I feel broken
Almost stretched
Time itself seems lacking strength
To the predominance of destiny
Powerless is it, my will,
Succumbing to the indestructible path of aging
It won't stop,
It's ubiquitous,
Coercing me into qualms of wasted time.
Carpe Diem my friend,
The entity, my souls, says
While it is under the influence and drunken with defeat to fate.
Seize the day
Because death won't fail in obtaining the fatal touch.
I'm slipping and falling away
Towards the voidance of insecurity,
Reincarnate me into a butterfly,
They have no will
And mine has failed me.

The Effect of a Broken Heart

I wait upon the pendulum between love and hate,
Only to watch lachrymose at my cursed fate

I look to the side of love, and see love once true
Disconsolance comes from the very image of you

I turn my head to the view of the other side
Now I feel the empty pain of you not in my life

I have made mistakes, so now I am with-held
Between two sorrowful worlds; my heaven and my hell